I'm pants shitting drunk right now
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Randomize
