Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
