Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
Randomize
