Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
