There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
