I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
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