Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Randomize
