I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
