dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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