I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
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