A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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