Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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