I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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