We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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