I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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