Bullshit. I know you're watching The Dog Whisperer
That Cesar Milan is captivating
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Randomize
