He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
You may now shotgun with the bride
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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