For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
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