Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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