i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
pop tarts are not kleenex
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
Randomize
