i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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