omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize
