sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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