so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
My sensibilities as a lady demand we cuddle on the couch, and THEN have loud, raunchy sex. Idk, what do you want to do?
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
