It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I'm passing your future prison.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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