if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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