If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Randomize
