and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
