new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
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