I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
