Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
