the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
I would fuck him just for his dog
Randomize
