I heard we made out
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
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