I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
