Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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