I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
