i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Randomize
