God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Randomize
