I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
