My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
