I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Randomize
