Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
