Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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