Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..
Aren't you in 8th grade?
9th, but that's not the point.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Randomize
