it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
