a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
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