Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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