Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Randomize
