meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
