Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
