I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
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