Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking ros�, bitch!
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Randomize
