Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize
