grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
