the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
